Knowledge resulting from actul observation..

प्रश्नः प्रश्न यो हो भने उत्तर के हो ?

उत्तरः सजिलो छ, उत्तर दीशा हो ।

प्रश्नः म मेरो घर वरीपरी भुतप्रेत भएको कल्पनामात्र गर्छु, के गर्ने हो ?

उत्तरः सजिलो छ, कल्पना गर्न छोडिदिनोस् ।

प्रश्नः मोबाइल र श्रीमतीमा के फरक छ ?

उत्तरः दुइटै अर्कालाई दिन मिल्दैन, बरबाद गरिदिन्छन । खर्चपनि उत्तिकै गर्नुपर्छ, बेला बेला

चार्ज गरिरहनुपर्छ भनेर चाहीा भन्न मिलेन ।

प्रश्नः जतिसुकै बिद्धानले पनि यो कुरो भन्न सक्दैन ?

उत्तरः म निदाइरहेको छु, डिस्टर्ब नगर ।

प्रश्नः हरेक श्रीमतीहरु ऋाफ्ना पतिलाई किन शंक गर्छन् ?

उत्तरः अर्काको पतिलाई शंका गर्यो भने पति फेरी पत्निलाई शंक गर्न थाल्छन् ।

प्रश्नः बाघले घाँस खान थाल्यो भने के होला ?

उत्तरः नेताहरु भ्ाोकै हुन्छन् ।

******************************

किशुनजीको प्रेम

किशुनजी, अर्थात उही हाम्रो कृष्णप्रसाद भट्टराईँजी उहिले अन्तरिम सरकारको प्रधानमन्त्री
भएपछि देश दौडाहामा निस्कनु भयो । पहिलो चरणको यात्रा अन्र्तगत उहाँ पाल्पा र झापाको
भ्रमण मण सकेर राजधानी र्फकनु भयो । यसै बिषयमा कुरा गर्न प्रधानमन्त्री निवासमा पत्रकार
सम्मेलनको आयोजना गरियो:
पत्रकारः???? किशूनजी, तपाईँलाई पाल्पालीको संस्कार मन पर्यो कि झापालीको ?
किशुनजीः ?ब…चाइने, मलाई न पाल्पाली मन पर्यो, न त झापाली । मलाई त,
????????????????? कपाली बाहेक कोही पनि मन परेन !

******************************

माधव कमरेडको सपना?

माधव नेपालजी हालै कोरियाको भ्रमण सकेर पश्चिमा मूलुक अमेरिका पुगेर र्फकनु भयो ।
एमाले पार्टी कार्यालयमा यसै बिषयमा वामदेव गौतमसँग छलफल हुँदैथियोः
वामदेवः कमरेड, पश्चिमको कल्चर राम्रो कि हाम्रो पुविर्य कल्चर राम्रो ?
माधवः न पश्चिमा कल्चर न त पुर्विय कल्चर,म त रौतहटको मान्छे…मेरा लागी त?मध्य?कल्चरमात्रै राम्रो !

………………………………………………………………………………………………………….

गिरिजाबाबुको अहंकार

चौथो पटक प्रम बनेपछि गिरिजाबाबु, जापान घुमेर चाइना हुँदै नेपाल फर्किनु भयो ।
रिपोर्टर क्लबमा सिसि धमलाले सोधिहालेः
धमला:??????? ??गिरिजाबाबु, जापानीज असल कि चाइनिज असल ?
गिरिजाबाबुः: हेर्नोच्, न जापानिज, न त चाइनिज ….निज (स्वयम्) बाहेक
??????????????????? कोही पनि असल छैनन् !

******************************

हनिमुनको पहिलोदिन ।
प्रेमी: सरिता
प्रेमिका: हजुर ।
प्रेम: आजको म तिमीलाई एउटा कुरो सोधौँ ?
प्रेमिका: सोधन ।
उनीः के साँच्चै तिम्रो जिवनमा आएको म नै पहिलो पुरुष हुँ ?
प्रेमिका: हो नि । म पनि एउटा कुरो सोधौँ ?
प्रेमी: सोध न ।
प्रेमिका: किन सबैजना मलाई यही प्रश्न सोध्छन् जहिलेपनि डार्लिग् ?
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

डेटिङ्को पहिलो दिन
प्रेमिका अँगालोमा बाधिएकी छिन्
म उनको काखमा बसेको छु
हातमाथी हात राखेर जोडले कसेको छु
म भन्छु: ‘ तिम्रालागी ज्यान दिन्छु
तिमी भन मात्र, लण्डनमा घर किन्छु ।’

अब बोल्ने उनको पालो थियो
सल्काउनु थियो अब प्रेमको दियो
कपाल खेलाउँदै, बोलिन् मेरी माया,
‘तिम्रो टाउकोमा कति धेरै चाया !’
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………

रमाइलो अपहरणकारी
एकपटक खप्परध्वज जंगलको बाटो भएर शहर जाँदैथियो । बिचबाटोमा पुगेपछि
उसको गाडी अघिल्तिर एक्कासी एउटा एउटा बन्दृक सहितको मान्छे आएर
गाडी रोक्ने आदेश दियो ।
बन्दुकेः ए….हेण्डस् अप ! महिलामाथी हातपात गरेको छस् कि छैनस् ?
खप्परध्वजः छैन हजृर ।
बन्दुकेः गिद्धे दृष्टि लगाएको छस् कि छैनस् ?
खप्परध्वजः छैन हजृर ।
बन्दुकेः मौका पर्दा चौका हानेको छस् कि छैनस् ?
खप्परध्वजः छैन हजृर, म प्राकृतिक रुपमा नै नपुंसक हुँ ।
बन्दुकेः एक्लै दुक्लै भेट्दा कि पुंसक हृन्छस् कि ?
खप्परध्वजः हुन्न हजुर हुन्न । टेष्ट गरि हेर्नोस्, त्यस्तो भए गोली ठोके पनि हुन्छ ।
बन्दुकेः त्यसो भए मेरी प्रेमिकालाई पर शहर सम्म लिफ्ट देउन यार !

******************************

पहिलोः अफिस जाने बेलामा म त मेरी श्रीमतीलाई चुम्मा दिएर मात्रै जान्छु, तिमी नि ?
दोश्रोः म त तिमी हिडेपछिमात्रै ।

******************************

मन्त्रीको पश्चाताप

तिसबर्षम्म राजनीतिमा संलग्न भएका एक नेताले आफ्नो पिएलाई भनेः
मन्त्रीः: भाइ, अब उप्रान्त, म कहिल्यै झुठ बोल्ने छैन ।
पिएः: एकदमै राम्रो हजुर । (एकैछि सोचेर) सांच्ची हजुर, हजुरलाई भेट्न कुनै कार्यकर्ता बाहिर पर्खि रहनु भएको छ ।
मन्त्रीः: छोड्देउ यार , हुनुहुन्न, बाहिर जानुभएको छ भनिदेउ ।
पिएः अहिले भरखर…अब उप्रान्त झुठ बोल्दिन भनेक हैन हजुर !
मन्त्रीः हो, म झुठ बोल्दिंन , तर तिमीले त बोल्दा हुन्छ नि !!

******************************

तिन पटक हा?स्नोस् ।

1.दुइ मनोरोगी
(दुइजना मनोरोगी आपसमा कुराकानी गरिरहेका हुन्छन् )
पहिलोः यार, संसारका हिरामोती सबै मैले किन्ने बिचार गरिरहेको छु ।
दोश्रोः धत्, त्यो सबै म बेच्दिंन यार ।

2.र्स्वर्गकी परी
(पत्नी पीडितहरु आपसमा कुरा गर्दै थिए ।)
पहिलोः यार, मेरी श्रीमती त र्स्वर्गकी अप्सरा छे ।
दोश्रोः बधाई छ यार, मेरी त ज्यू?दै छे ।

3.असफल शिक्षक
(कक्षा ७ मा तिनपटकसम्म फेल भएको दिपकलाई हप्काउ?दै)
शिक्षकः तिन तिन बर्षम्म एउटै कक्षामा बस्दा लाज लागेन ?
बिद्यार्थीः सरलाई १५ बर्षेखी यही कक्षामै बसि रहन लाज नलागेपछि मलाई के को लाज !

******************************

व्यापारी बुद्धी

एकजना ब्यापारीकोमा ठुलो पार्टीको आयोजना गरिएको थियो । अवसर थियो, उनको छोरा रविनले फस्ट डिभिजनमा इन्टर पास गरेको । आफु छोरो पास भएको यस खुशीयालीमा रविनले एक किलो लड्डु लगेर आफ्नो ब्यापारी पिताजीलाई दिँदै भन्योः
छोरोः बाबा, मैले परिक्षामा १०० मा ९५ प्रतिशत ल्याएँ ।
बाबुः (बाबु) नालायक, यो पनि खुशी हुने कुरो हो कहिँ ?
छोरोः १०० मा ९५ ल्याउनु भनेको एकदम राम्रो हो नि बुबा ।
बाबुः वाहियात, हामी सयको मालबाट १५० सम्म ल्याउँछौं, तैले भने १०० मा पनि ५ घटाइस्
हैन !

******************************

रामप्रसाद फनाल
ठोक दोहोरी गायक रामप्रसाद फनाल पहिलो पटक अमेरिका पुगे, उनको भेट कलाकार राजाराम पौडेलसँग भयो। एकदिन दुबैजना कफी पिउनका लागी नजिकैको म्याकडोनाल्ड रेष्टुरेष्ट पुगे ।
रामप्रसादः छिटो पिउनोस् है कफी, चिसो हुन्सक्छ ।
राजारामः के भयो त ?
रामप्रसादः मेनु देख्नु भएन, हट कफी १ डलर, कोल्ड कफी ३ डलर ।

******************************

‘पैसा दुःखको कारण हो भने, त्यो पैसा मलाई दिनोस् र सुःखी रहनोस् ।’

‘यदी माया आगो भएको भए, अहिलेसम्म म जलेर खरानी भईसक्थें ।’

‘ब्युटिपार्लरबाट निस्कने महिलालाई चौकमा बसेर नजिस्काउनोस्,तपाइकी आमा पनि पर्न सक्छिन् ।”

‘कम उचाईकी प्रेमिका नबनाउनोस्, तपाईको शरिर चाँडै नुहिएला ।’

‘ह्याङ्ओभरबाट मुक्त हुने एउटै उपाय हो, ननस्टप रुपमा भटिटमा बसेर पिईरहनु ।’

‘आफैंले गर्नु नपरे असम्भव भन्ने संसारमा केही पनि छैन ।’

‘रक्सी एक मन्दबिष हो ।’ कसलाई हतार छ र ।’

‘तपाईको भविश्य सपनाले निर्धारण गर्छ, सुत्न जानोस् ।’

‘यदी उनले तपाईलाई फर्किएर हेरिन् भने भ्रममा नपर्नोस, नयाँ कुण्डल देखाएकी मात्र हुन् ।’

‘एकजना साथीको हजुरबा, केटाकेटी छँदै मृत्यु भएछ, हिँ हिँ हिँ।’

‘मेरो हजुर’बा यति पुरानो मान्छे कि उहाँको पालामा इतिहासलाई समसामयीक बिषय भनिन्थ्यो ।’

‘हवाईजहाज दुर्घटनाहुँदा ब्ल्याकबक्स केही हुँदैन भने सिङ्गै जहाज ब्ल्याक बक्स बनाए भै गयो नि ।’

******************************

नर्कमा गुरु

एउटा क्लासमा ह्वेलको बारेमा कुरा हुँदैथियो ।
शिक्षकः ह्वेल शारिरिक रुपमा ठुलो भएपनि मानिसलाई निल्न सक्दैन, किन भने उसको
घाँटी सानो हुन्छ ।
बिद्यार्थीः तर, दिपक त जापान जाँदा ह्वेलले निलेको रे, शिक्षकः होइन, त्यो असम्भव छ ।
बिद्यार्थीः त्यसोभए म स्वर्ग गएपछि दीपकलाई सोध्छु । शिक्षकः अनि नर्क गएको रहेछ
भने नि ?
बिद्यार्थीः सरले सोध्नु नि ।

******************************

लंगलाईफ ड्रंकर
लंगलाईफ ड्रंकर ख्प्परध्वजले सोच्यो कि आज श्रीमतीलाई सबक सिकाउनु पर्यो ।
एक पेग हिवस्की दिँदै भन्योः ए, सरिता, यो पिउ ।
श्रीमतीः पिउँदिन ।
श्रीमान्: पिउ न पिउ…हो गुड ।
श्रीमतीः कुहिएको सिनो जस्तै गन्हाउदो रहेछ ।
श्रीमान्: नि देख्यौ, तिमी भन्थ्यौ नि , दिनदिनै पिएर म मज्जा लिइरहेको छु ।कति
गाह्रो हुँदो रहेछ थाहा पायौहोला नि ।

******************************

राम्री शिक्षिका
काली मिस कक्षामा नेपाली बिषय अन्र्तगत ब्याकरण पढाइरहेकी थिइन् ।
कालीमिस: म राम्री छु, यो कुन काल हो ?
दिपकः यो भुतकाल हो मिस ।
कालीमिस: के रे ? भुतकाल हैन, यो बर्तमानकाल हो ।
दिपकः नीताले भनेको भए वर्तमानकाल हुन्थ्यो, मिसले म राम्री छु
भन्दा त भुतकाल नै भयो नि मिस ।

******************************

हिरो बुद्धी
श्रीकृष्ण र दिलिप यती एयरको जहाजबाट पोखरा जाँदै थिए । गोरखाको डाडाँमाथी पुगेपछि जहाज जोड जोडले हल्लिन थाल्यो ।
दिलिपः के हो यार , जहाज त नराम्रोसँग हल्लिन थाल्यो नि त, खस्छ कि
क्या हो ?
श्रीकृष्णः आ….खसे पनि खसोस् है, हामीलाई ठगेर कमाएको पैसा छँदैछ,
अर्को किन्छ नि ।

******************************

असफल नियोजन
हरेरामले शहरमा गएर परिवार नियोजनको स्थायी नियोजन गरायो र गाउँ फर्कियो । एकबर्ष
छाडी उसकी श्रीमतीले एउटा जखमले छोरो जन्माईन् । उ रिसाउँदै आफ्नो नियोजन गर्ने डाक्टरकोमा पुग्यो ।
हरेरामः यो के लापरबाही हो डाक्टर सा?ब । तपाइँल्ो त मेरो स्थायी
नियोजन गर्नुभएको थियो, फेरी यो छोरो कसरी जन्मियो ?
डाक्टरले अझ जंगिदै जवाफ दिए ।
डाक्टरः परिवार नियोजन मैले तपाइँको गरिदिएको थिएँ, सारा गाउँलेको त
गरेको हैन नि ।

******************************

परेवासँग प्रेम
राम र कृष्ण हनुमान ढोका घुम्दैथिए । त्यसैबेला कृष्ण एकोहोरिएर कतै हेर्न थाल्यो ।
रामः ए कृष्ण, एकोहोरो भएर के हेरिरहेको छस् ?
दरबारको दलिनमा प्रेममा मग्न एकजोडी परेवातिर संकेत गर्दै:
कृष्णःहे भगवान, मैले पनि यसैगरी मायाँ गर्न पाए……….।
रामः तिम्रो घरमा पनि त परेवा छन् नि, जाउ न गर ।

******************************

लाइसेन्स बनाउन यातायात कार्यलय गएको थिएँ, एकजना अंकल भेटिए । हामीबिचको छोटो कुराकानी रमाइलो होला भन्ठानेर तपाईँहरुसामु राख्दैछु ।
मनोजः ओ हो अंकल, नमस्कार ।
अंकलः टेन्सन भो भाई, कस्तो टाउको लिएर जन्मिइछ ।
(अंकल जन्मजात तालुखुइले हुन्)
मनोजः के भयो र अंकल, लाइसेन्स बनेन ?
अंकलः फार्म नै भरेका छैन नि ।
मनोजः किन ?
अंकलः नाम,उमेर,लिंग,वतन सबै भरेँ, कपालको रंग पनि लेख्नुपर्ने रहेछ….के लेख्ने हो हामीजस्ताले चाही ?’

******************************

एउटा सुझावः कहिल्यै पनि कसैलाई केही पनि सुझाव नदिनोस् !!

ट्रfफिक सुचनाः बिस्तारै हाँक्नोस्, नजिकै कुनै अस्पताल छैन !!

बिहे नगरुन्जेल मानिसको जिवन अधुरो हुन्छ, बिहे गरेपछि जिवन सकिन्छ !!

मादक पर्दाथ पिएर सवारी नचलाउनोस् नत्र फेरी पिउन नपाईएला !!

******************************

धान खेतमा चराचुरुंगी धपाउन बुख्याँचा झुण्डिइ रहेको थियो । त्यो देख्ता यस्तो लाग्दथ्यो कि त्यो पुतला अर्थात नभएर मानिस हो । खेतको बिचमा रहेको सिसौको रुखमा एकजोडी सुँगा त्यो पुतलालाई हैर्दे कुरा गरिरहेका थिए । सुँगामध्ये बच्चा सुगाले सोध्योः
बच्चाः आमा, आमा त्यो के हो ?
आमाः हामीलाई तर्साउन पराललाई बाँधेर बाहिरबाट मानिसको कपडा लगाई दिएको।
नजिकैको बाटोबाट हिडिरहेकी अर्धनग्न युवती तिर देखाउँदै बच्चा सुगाँले भन्योः
बच्चाः ए….मानिस त कस्ता दयालु । पुतलालाई चाहीँ लुगा लगाईदिँएर आफुचाहीँ नाङ्गै ।

******************************

मुटुमा चप्पल

केटाः (नयाँ केटीलाई) डार्लिङ्, मेरो मुटुमा आएर बस न ।
केटीः (रिसले मुर्मुरिँदै) चप्पल फुकालौँ !
केटाः मेरो हृदय मन्दिर हैन, नफुकाली आए हुन्छ ।

******************************

बुढो बैँश

केटीः क्या हो , बुढोमा मान्छे भएर केटी जिस्काउँ हिडेको, कपाल सेतै फुलेको थाहा छ ?
बाजेः कपाल सेतै सेतै फुलेर के भो नानी, मन त कालै छ नि !!!

******************************

लोग्ने स्वास्नी
बिहे गरेको पहिलो बर्ष लोग्ने बोल्छ र स्वास्नी सुन्छे
दोश्रो बर्ष स्वास्नी बोल्छे , लोग्ने सुन्छ
तेश्रो बर्ष दुबै बोल्छन् र छिमेकी सुन्छन्

******************************

गिरिजाबाबुको टाइम
गिरिजाबाबु जुनसुकै कुरो पनि सयम आएपछि बताउछु भन्छन्, तर कहिल्यै बताउँदैनन् । अति भएपछि मैले सोधेँ: गिरिजाबाबु, दरबार हत्याकाण्डको रहस्य सयम आएपछि बताउँछु भन्नुहुन्थ्यो, समयचाहीँ कहिले आउँछ ?
गिरिजाबाबुः हिमाल १ गते र पन्ध्र गते, नेपाल आइतबार हो क्यार… समयचाहीँ शुक्रबार !!

******************************

लवलेटर हरु:

प्रहरीको लवलेटर
मेरो हृदयकी नाइटभिजन, लङ्गरेन्जको भन्दा लामो तथा बंकरभन्दा गहिरो माया !
आत्माकी सेन्ट्री, सेक्यरिटीवाल भन्दा मजबुत प्यार । मेरो दिमागकी एम्बुस, ब्ल्यांकफायर
भन्दा धेरै क्लियर संझना । प्यारी, मेरो सानो मिसफायरमा तिमी मेरो घेरा तोडेर माइत गयौं,
मेरो मनमा र्कफ्यु लागेको छ । तुरुन्त आत्मसर्मपण गरिदेउ, हैन भने, हातहतियार सहित माइतमा आक्रमण हुनेछ !!
उहि तिमीलाई सधैँ सुरक्षा दिने
हवल्दार ‘काले’

कम्प्युटर अपरेटरको प्रेमपत्र
जिन्दगीकी कन्ट्रोल प्यानल, हन्ड्रेड जिबीको माया ! मैले १एमबी मायााको लागी कतिपटक एप्लाई गरेँ, तर कहिल्यै पनि ओ.के. गरिनौ । तिम्रो पिक्चर मेरो हार्डडिस्कमा सेभ गरिसकेको छु । कृपया मेरो मायालाई रिसाइकलबीनमा सेन्ड नगरिदेउ । मेरो रिकोएस्ट मानिनौं भने, म आफैंलाई अटो डिलिट गर्नेछु , अगाडी तिम्रो इच्छा !!
तिम्रो जिन्दगीको पासवर्ड ‘ गोपाल’

ड्राइभरको लवलेटर
मेरो मुटुकी स्टेयरिङ् , चौथो गियर भन्दा धेरै माया ! अहिले सम्म म कण्डिसनमा नै छु , आषा छ, तिमी पनि पञ्चर भएकी छैनौ होला । म घरबाट हिँड्दा तिम्रो चक्का मेरो मतलब खुट्टा ठिक थिएन, राम्रो वर्कसपमा गएर डाक्टरलाई देखाउनु । केटाकेटीलाई गाली गर्दा हर्न सानो पार्नु , छिमेकीले ओभरटेक गर्छन्, आउँदो नपालबन्दमा घर आउँदैछु ,त्यसैबेला बेट्रीचार्ज गरौंला !!
उहि तिमीलाई हर्न बजाउने ड्राइभर माइला,
बि.च.रा.४३२३

******************************

पल्लोघरको अंकल
छोरोः डेडी, पल्लो घरको अंकलको नाम डार्लिङ हो ?
बाबुः हैन बाबु, उसको नाम त रमेश हो ।
छोराः अनि हजुर अफिस जानासाथ मम्मीले त त्यो अंकललाई डार्लिङ भन्नुहुन्छ त !!

******************************

ल, उल्टो पर्यो नि
पहिलो पटक खप्परध्वज शहरको एउटा भब्य पार्टीमा पुग्यो । डिनर लिइरहेको बेला आफ्नो छेउमा उभिएर बियर तानिरहेको एक ब्यक्तिलाई उसले भन्योः
खप्परध्व्जः कस्तो जमाना आयो । उ त्यो केटोलाई हेर्नोस् न, कस्तो पोशाक लगाएको होला, ठ्याक्कै
केटीजस्तो देखिन्छ !
ब्यक्तिः (उक्त ब्यक्तिले अलि रिसाएजस्तो गरी जवाफ दियो) माफ गर्नोस् महासय, त्यो केटी नै हो,
र उ मेरी छोरी हो ।
(खप्पर अलि अलि डरायो र भन्यो)
खप्परध्व्जः (खप्पर अलि अलि डरायो र भन्यो) सरी है हजुर, । तपाईँ उसको बुवा हो भन्ने कुरा
मलाई थाहा थिएन ।
ब्यक्तिः (ब्यक्तिले जंगिदै भन्यो) तपाईँ मसँग जिस्किदै हुनुहुन्छ कि क्या हो ? म उसको बाबु हैन,
आमा हुँ !
******************************

प्रश्नः : प्रकृतिले दिनका साथै रात किन बनाएको होला ?
उत्तरः: चोर डाकाहरुको पनि जिबिका चलोस् भनेर !

प्रश्नः : हाम्रो देशमा किन एउटा पनि ठूलो मान्छे जन्मिन सकेन ?
उत्तरः: संसारमै यस्तो हो, जन्मिँदा सबै बच्चा नै जन्मिन्छन् !

प्रश्नः : मैले तपाइँलाई चिनिहालेँ नि !
उत्तर : चिनि नहाल्नोस्, मलाई सुगरको समस्या छ, बरु नुन हालिदिनुस् !!

*************

Doctor Doctor I swallowed a bone.
Are you choking?
No, I really did!

**************
Doctor Doctor I think I’m a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window…!

**************
Doctor Doctor I feel like a racehorse.
Take one of these every 4 laps!

**************
Doctor, Doctor I tend to flush a lot.
Don’t worry it’s just a chain reaction!

The fourth part in the free, funny, Doctor Doctor jokes collection.

**************
Doctor, Doctor I think I’m a bell?
Take these and if it doesn’t help give me a ring!

**************
Doctor, Doctor everyone keeps throwing me in the garbage.
Don’t talk rubbish!

**************
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I’ll deal with you later.

**************
Doctor, Doctor Can I have second opinion?
Of course, come back tomorrow!

**************

Doctor, Doctor my son has swallowed my pen, what should I do?
Use a pencil till I get there

**************

Doctor these pills you gave me for BO…
What’s wrong with them?
They keep slipping out from under my arms!

**************

Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don’t stir!

**************

Doctor, Doctor I’m on a diet and it’s making me irritable. Yesterday I bit someones ear off.
Oh dear, that’s a lot of calories!

**************

Doctor, Doctor I think I need glasses
You certainly do, Sir, this is a fish and chip shop!

**************

Doctor, doctor I keep thinking I’m a bee
Buzz off can’t you see I’m busy?

**************

Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?

**************

Doctor, doctor my sister here keeps thinking she’s invisible!
What sister?

How the Internet Began
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far from town to town with they goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”

And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others.”

And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known “ebay” he said, “We need a name that reflects what we are,” and Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.”

“YAHOO”, said Abraham.

And that is how it all began.

It wasn’t Al Gore after all.

**************

Microsoft Car
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the

computer industry with the auto industry and stated, “If GM had kept up with the technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon.”

In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating, “If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash twice a day.

2. Every time they painted new lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull ove r to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue.

For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Only one person at a time could use the car unless you bought “CarNT,” but then you would have to buy more seats.

6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive — but it would only run on five percent of the roads.

7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single “general protect ion fault” warning light.

8. The airbag system would ask, “Are you sure?” before deploying.

9. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the antenna.

10. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally Road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50 percent or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.

11. Every time GM introduced a new car, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

12. You’d have to press the “start” button to turn the engine off.

***************

Nine Type Of Users
El Explicito

“I tried the thing, ya know, and it worked, ya know, but now it doesn’t, ya know?”

Advantages: Provides interesting communication challenges.

Disadvantages: So do chimps.

Symptoms: Complete inability to use proper nouns

Real Case: One user walked up to a certain Armenian pod manager and said, “I can’t get what I want!” The pod manager leaned back, put his hands on his belt-buckle, and said, “Well, ma’am, you’ve come to the right place.”

**************

Mad Bomber

“Well, I hit ALT-f6, shift-f8, CNTRL-f10, f4, and f9, and now it looks all weird.”

Advantages: Will try to find own solution to problems.

Disadvantages: User might have translated document to Navajo without meaning to.

Symptoms: More than six stopped jobs in UNIX, a 2:1 code-to-letter ratio in WordPerfect

Real Case: One user came in complaining that his WordPerfect document was underlined. When I used reveal codes on it, I found that he’d set and unset underline more than fifty times in his document.

**************

Frying Pan/Fire Tactician

“It didn’t work with the data set we had, so I fed in my aunt’s recipe for key lime pie.”

Advantages: Will usually fix error.

Disadvantages: ‘Fix’ is defined VERY loosely here.

Symptoms: A tendency to delete lines that get errors instead of fixing them.

Real Case: One user complained that their program executed, but didn’t do anything. The scon looked at it for twenty minutes before realizing that they’d commented out EVERY LINE. The user said, “Well, that was the only way I could get it to compile.”

**************

Shaman

“Last week, when the moon was full, the clouds were thick, and formahaut was above the horizon, I typed f77, and lo, it did compile.”

Advantages: Gives insight into primitive mythology.

Disadvantages: Few scon are anthropology majors.

Symptoms: Frequent questions about irrelevant objects.

Real Case: One user complained that all information on one of their disks got erased (as Norton Utilities showed nothing but empty sectors, I suspect nothing had ever been on it). Reasoning that the deleted information went *somewhere*, they wouldn’t shut up until the scon checked four different disks for the missing information.

**************

X-user

“Will you look at those. . .um, that resolution, quite impressive, really.”

Advantages: Using the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

Disadvantages: Has little or no idea how to use the cutting-edge in graphics technology.

Symptoms: Fuzzy hands, blindness

Real Case: When I was off duty, two users sat down in front of me at DEC station 5000/200s that systems was reconfiguring. I suppressed my laughter while, for twenty minutes, they sat down and did their best to act like they were doing exactly what they wanted to do, even though they couldn’t log in.

**************

Miracle Worker

“But it read a file from it yesterday!” ‘Sir, at a guess, this disk has been swallowed and regurgitated.’ “But I did that a month ago, and it read a file from it yesterday!”

Advantages: Apparently has remarkable luck when you aren’t around.

Disadvantages: People complain when scon actually use the word ‘horse-puckey’.

Symptoms: Loses all ability to do impossible when you’re around. Must be the kryptonite in your pocket.

Real Case: At least three users have claimed that they’ve loaded IBM WordPerfect from Macintosh disks.

**************

Taskmaster

“Well, this is a file in MacWrite. Do you know how I can upload it to MUSIC, transfer it over to UNIX from there, download it onto an IBM, convert it to WordPerfect, and put it in three-column format?”

Advantages: Bold new challenges.

Disadvantages: Makes one wish to be a garbage collector.

Symptoms: An inability to keep quiet. Strong tendencies to make machines do things they don’t want to do.

Real Case: One user tried to get a scon to find out what another person’s E-mail address was even though the user didn’t know his target’s home system, account name, or real name.

**************

Maestro

“Well, first I sat down, like this. Then I logged on, like this, and after that, I typed in my password, like this, and after that I edited my file, like this, and after that I went to this line here, like this, and after that I picked my nose, like this.”

Advantages: Willing to show you exactly what they did to get an error.

Disadvantages: For as long as five or six hours.

Symptoms: Selective deafness to the phrases, “Right, right, okay, but what was the ERROR?”, and a strong fondness for the phrase, “Well, I’m getting to that.”

Real Case: I once had to spend half an hour looking over a user’s shoulder while they continuously retrieved a document into itself and denied that they did it (the user was complaining that their document was 87 copies of the same thing).

**************

Princess (unfair, perhaps, as these tend, overwhelmingly, to be males)

“I need a Mac, and someone’s got the one I like reserved, would you please garrote him and put him in the paper recycling bin?”

Advantages: Flatters you with their high standards for your service.

Disadvantages: Impresses you with their obliviousness to other people on this planet.

Symptoms: Inability to communicate except by complaining.

Real Case: One asked a scon to remove the message of the day because he (the user) didn’t like it.

Selling Life Insurance

rivate Jones was assigned to the Army induction center, where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Serviceman’s Group Life Insurance (SGLI). It wasn’t long before the center’s Lieutenant noticed that Private Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before. Rather than ask about this, the Lt. stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the SGLI to the new recruits, and then said. “If you have SGLI and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don’t have SGLI, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000.”

“Now,” he concluded, “which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?”

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

“What?” said the puzzled groom.

“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

***********

Yah-hah, evil spider woman! I have captured you by the short rabbits and
can now deliver you violently to your gynecologist for a thorough
extermination.”

***********

Glad to be drunk

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”

Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”

“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”

*****************

Presents for the Wife

Three men, a doctor, a lawyer, and a biker were sitting in a bar talking over a few drinks.

After a sip of his Martini, the doctor said, “You know, tomorrow is my anniversary. I bought my wife a diamond ring and a new Mercedes. I figure if she doesn’t like the diamond ring, then at least she will like the Mercedes, and she will know that I love her.”

After finishing his scotch, the lawyer said, “Well, on my last anniversary, I bought my wife a string of pearls and a trip to the Bahamas. I figured if she didn’t like the pearls, then at least she would have enjoyed the trip, and she would have known that I loved her.”

The biker then took a big swig from his beer, and said, “Yeah, well for my anniversary, I got my old lady a t-shirt and a vibrator. I figured if she didn’t like the t-shirt, then she could go f*** herself

*****************

State Of The Art Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”

“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.”

The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”

“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.

“What’s it telling you now?” she asked.

“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties.” he said.

The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!”

The man explains, “Damn thing must be an hour fast.”

***************

Is Windows a Virus

No, Windows is not a virus. Here’s what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly – okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so – okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk – okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. – Sigh.. Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. – Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

*****************

Heaven And Hell

In Heaven:

The cooks are French,
The policemen are English,
The mechanics are German,
The lovers are Italian,
The bankers are Swiss.

In Hell:

The cooks are English,
The policemen are German,
The mechanics are French,
The lovers are Swiss,
The bankers are Italian.

In Computer Heaven:

The management is from Intel,
The design and construction is done by Apple,
The marketing is done by Microsoft,
IBM provides the support,
Gateway determines the pricing.

In Computer Hell:

The management is from Apple,
Microsoft does design and construction,
IBM handles the marketing,
The support is from Gateway,
Intel sets the price.